It has been a CRAZY week. I think I've cried more this week than I have my entire life. Things have been taken upon the wrong way, and for once, I feel like I've failed everyone. I feel like my happiness is trying to be taken away from me, and I can't make one person happy. Making people happy is what I live for. Being needed by someone makes me feel accomplished. This week...none of the happy feelings have came.
I'm 19 years old. I'm undergoing a LOT of changes in my life. I have several decisions and responsibilities to take care of, and it's just overwhelming at times. I play softball at GSCC. I feel extremely proud of myself for making it this far. Well, with playing at Gadsden, it requires ALL of my time for 10 months. I go to school from 8-12:30 and then I practice from 2:30 til whenever they decide to let us go. Sometimes it's before 8, and sometimes it's not til after. It gives me NO social life with people outside of GSCC. So for me to have somewhat success, I need to decide on what to do, classes to take, and what I want to do afterwards, right now. I just finished my freshmen year of college, 3 weeks ago. So the past couple of weeks I've been enjoying my so called "summer". I went to the beach for a week, and this week I've chilled with some very dear friends and my boyfriend since softball starts back up soon, and I will not see them for a very long time...or so it will feel like. I feel like I'm a good person, and make good choices majority of the time, so I feel like I deserve at least some time to do what I want to do. Some people tell me that softball is my "extra-cirricular activity." I'M CORRECTING YOU NOW: It's my JOB. I don't do it because I want to, I do it because I HAVE to. In order for me to go to school, I have to play. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it...I do very much so. It's just very time consuming. I've risked a lot to play, and I'm trying to catch up on what I've missed, now.
As you all know, I've been in a relationship the past couple of weeks. Next week, it'll be one month! We're not rushing into anything, just taking stuff slow to see how it will all work out. Like I've said 100 times. I'M HAPPY. But now that I'm truly happy, I feel like everything is trying to take my happiness away from me. Some people think I'm pushing people away, I promise you I'm not. I'm trying to manage my time well and be there for everyone, I PROMISE! It's also been brought to my attention that I've lost my desire for softball, and life, and friends, and family, and I want to know what I did to give off that impression. This fairy tale that I'm in is so unreal. I can't tell you how happy I am. I feel like I'm doing something right, for once. Now that I feel like that, everyone is making me feel like I'm not. If it doesn't benefit you,I'm sorry. I am finally thinking about myself, but why do you try and take away from my happiness? I try my best to do what I can for other people. And every time I have to constantly tell myself that I can't please everyone...and I, for one, know that statement is true. Sometimes i wish I could please, help, and cheer up everyone, but it's not possible for me. No matter how many times I've tried, I've failed.
I'm at a crossroad. I don't know which road, or path to take. I don't know where to begin either. I need help, but I don't know who to look after for it. People that I thought could help me out the most are slowly letting me down. They may not realize it, but they are hurting me. Some are getting angry, some are just flat out not caring, and some just don't want to be involved. That's fine, I understand, but please don't completely let me go! I'm just trying to figure out what to do with my life.
My insecurity is taking over me too. I've always had problems with it, but it's never been this bad. I just feel like I'm not good enough...A LOT. I don't feel pretty enough, worthy enough, or even proud enough of myself. I know it's a lie, but nobody has proved that to me. JDH does a good job of it, but I'm too hard-headed to accept that. He tells me I'm beauitful all of the time, but sometimes i just don't see it. I hope it doesn't ruin my relationship. I know if I don't break down and accept what he thinks of me, it can...but I don't know how to believe him when everytime I look in the mirror I don't see what he does. I know JDH is extremely trustworthy, and would never hurt me, but like every other girl, I feel like he is looking for interest in someone else. I feel like he deserves so much better and he tells me all of the time he doesn't. He's a very attractive guy, and is very well known through his town, but it seems like EVERY GIRL wants to be with him now that I'm with him. My biggest fear is him leaving me for someone else....a much prettier someone else. I'm not the jealous type, so I don't mind if he talks to girls and all of that...I just don't want it to go any further. If he says they're friends, okay, I believe they are friends...but I get a voice inside of my head that keeps telling me to be careful because a girl thinks he's extremely attractive. He also has a psycho ex. I dont believe she would ever hurt me, but I do believe she would do anything to get back with him and that scares me. She had her shot, and she blew it. Now it's my turn and I'm not going to ruin it. I really care about him and his family. She just tries to come into the picture ALL of the time. He doesn't give in everrrr...but it scares me to know she still wants in the picture.
Nonetheless, I'm just trying to get by. please just pray for my family. We're all at crossroads. I know that with whatever decision we make, we will survive, and everything will get better...it's just getting to that point of divinve happiness. My insecurity will die out as time goes on. It will make me stronger. I have one more year of softball, I will make the most of it. Every one that I've hurt, I'm sorry. Just please bare with me. I'll prove to you that I never left. For those who don't like seeing me happy, I'm sorry. I'm growing up and learning new stuff every day. I will succeed whether you want me to or not....whether you help me or not.
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