~Your arms save me from the ground~

Well, my first day of my sophomore year is Monday. I'm super excited! I can't wait to see how our team will bond and grow together! I'm dreading practice a little, but then again, it will make my whole year! I haven't been able to work out and run like I would like because of my knee surgery, so that will kind of bring me down, but oh well. Ugh. Anyways. I hope everyone has had a wonderful week so far!
So...something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Trust. I have finally come to realize...I rarely trust any one. Whether some one has let me down, or I'm embarrassed of what I'm feeling, I don't open up hardly at all. I mean yes I open up a little here and there, but mainly I keep everything inside, and I want to change that. It's not healthy for anyone to keep everything bottled up inside until they explode. It can destroy a person, or at least I think so. Nobody has to open up completely, but letting a little bit out every once in a while is better than not at all. Gosh, I wish I could take my own advice. I say I'll open up to people, but when it comes down to it, I refuse. I don't like this part about me. I want to let it all out, but when I think about it, I think it sounds so stupid. It's nothing against the people, I just feel safer inside of me. I like to think everything is okay on the outside, when inside, my heart is screaming. This part of a person is what can drive people away. It's like a persons desire to be relied on by someone. I have several people I can rely on. I just refuse to. Who I am is keeping it inside of me. I help others, not myself. I try not to let my emotions get the best of me, or let down walls and let people inside. I'm tough, but sometimes not tough enough. I'm hard headed. I say I'm fine when I'm not, I smile when I want to die inside, and I lend a hand when people just aren't my cup of tea for the day. It's who I am. I won't push people away when they need me the most. I can't say I blame people for calling me stubborn. I know I am. I put up walls that sometimes I can't knock down myself. Sometimes I wish someone would come through and rescue me from them. I hate people worrying about me. I rather help someone else. I hate people paying for my stuff, I rather help them. When someone else is happy, I'm happy. I know, that isn't right, but mostly, I build off other people's happiness.
Sometimes, I wish I could be a like a guy and let stuff go and have a "go-with-the-flow" kind of attitude, but God just didn't want me to be a guy! Maybe there's a reason? Girls drive me insane sometimes, but it's because I let them. Someone will say or do something and I ponder on it instead of letting it go. Sometimes I let my mind wonder WAY too much. I can't stand girls who will do anything for attention. [[MAJOR PET PEEVE]] Whether it's rub all over your boyfriend for some kind of reaction from them, or cry because your friend is giving attention to some one else for a minute....it's ridiculous. People care about you. I PROMISE. Have you ever noticed those cute little girls who are just genuinely happy? I love seeing those girls who are just all around happy, and no matter what kind of circumstance, they come in and out with a smile on their face. They simply amaze me, and put a smile on my face. It takes a lot of courage to walk in and out of hard situations with a smile. They're brave, and I admire them.
BEAUTY. I think every girl is beautiful. Think about it. Whether it's inside or out, every girl has something beautiful about them. Whether it's their smile, face, or simply their character, it's all so beautiful. To every girl doubting it, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE THINKS OF YOU, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. Girls are strong willed creatures who can be destroyed with simple words. Every girl wants to come off as tough, but really, just want to be handled with care. Guys, look at us, and I mean really look at us. Don't bash on a girl because she's not a size zero, or has the face of a goddess. Complement her because she goes through every day battling this horrible disease called SELF ESTEEM. Guys, we know you worry about it too, but you guys don't worry about it like us girls do. Maybe it's because people don't tell us enough that we are? Maybe girls hide their inner beauty because people don't react to their outer beauty. To all of those who worry, WHO CARES. Who cares if our pony tail is lop-sided or our yellows don't match on our shirt. LOVE YOURSELF. Either way, you're stuck with you, and who you are. What we do with ourselves and how we live is completely up to us. Love who you are, and who you will be. Love that you have the ability to make someone out in this world smile because you think they're beautiful. You never know. She could go home everyday crying because people don't complement her enough. I wish every girl could go out and love themselves for one day. Find everything about them that makes them genuinely special. Find their strengths and their weaknesses and build on it. Less and less girls would be starving, or killing themselves. So here's a challenge: Go to girls maybe you don't hang out with because you have your different interests, or to a girl who never smiles because she doesn't have the support behind her, and REMIND HER OF JUST HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS. A simple complement that brings a smile to someone's face can change a person's life....just ONE little complement. Don't joke about it, but be sincere. I promise you, it will save a life.
I'm so thankful to have these amazing blessings in my life called friends. The ones who you thought you would never be able to depend on are the ones who can dramatically change your life. A girl on my team, for example, has influenced me by just her personality. She is genuinely happy, and I LOVE that about her. We played together last year and got to know each other really well, but wow. For some reason this year, it really hit me that she is a best friend. Some one I can see being in my life 50 years from now. I rely on her more than I thought, and she has never let me down! I hope we become closer this year seeing that 90% of the next 10 months will be my softball team. She and I both pitch so we will be each other's rock on and off the field. I know we'll grow closer, but I hope we can make it through together! The coaches ride us a lot because they know we have the potential to be better as each day goes on! We ride together and die together! Literally! But anyways, it's crazy how people you never thought you would be close to can simply come in and change you by just her personality! Aren't friendships grand :D People come in and out of your life every day, but some people are just meant to stick with you until the very end! I'm thankful for the people who want to be around me for that long!
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"

In the end, the strongest will win.

It has been a CRAZY week. I think I've cried more this week than I have my entire life. Things have been taken upon the wrong way, and for once, I feel like I've failed everyone. I feel like my happiness is trying to be taken away from me, and I can't make one person happy. Making people happy is what I live for. Being needed by someone makes me feel accomplished. This week...none of the happy feelings have came.
I'm 19 years old. I'm undergoing a LOT of changes in my life. I have several decisions and responsibilities to take care of, and it's just overwhelming at times. I play softball at GSCC. I feel extremely proud of myself for making it this far. Well, with playing at Gadsden, it requires ALL of my time for 10 months. I go to school from 8-12:30 and then I practice from 2:30 til whenever they decide to let us go. Sometimes it's before 8, and sometimes it's not til after. It gives me NO social life with people outside of GSCC. So for me to have somewhat success, I need to decide on what to do, classes to take, and what I want to do afterwards, right now. I just finished my freshmen year of college, 3 weeks ago. So the past couple of weeks I've been enjoying my so called "summer". I went to the beach for a week, and this week I've chilled with some very dear friends and my boyfriend since softball starts back up soon, and I will not see them for a very long time...or so it will feel like. I feel like I'm a good person, and make good choices majority of the time, so I feel like I deserve at least some time to do what I want to do. Some people tell me that softball is my "extra-cirricular activity." I'M CORRECTING YOU NOW: It's my JOB. I don't do it because I want to, I do it because I HAVE to. In order for me to go to school, I have to play. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it...I do very much so. It's just very time consuming. I've risked a lot to play, and I'm trying to catch up on what I've missed, now.
As you all know, I've been in a relationship the past couple of weeks. Next week, it'll be one month! We're not rushing into anything, just taking stuff slow to see how it will all work out. Like I've said 100 times. I'M HAPPY. But now that I'm truly happy, I feel like everything is trying to take my happiness away from me. Some people think I'm pushing people away, I promise you I'm not. I'm trying to manage my time well and be there for everyone, I PROMISE! It's also been brought to my attention that I've lost my desire for softball, and life, and friends, and family, and I want to know what I did to give off that impression. This fairy tale that I'm in is so unreal. I can't tell you how happy I am. I feel like I'm doing something right, for once. Now that I feel like that, everyone is making me feel like I'm not. If it doesn't benefit you,I'm sorry. I am finally thinking about myself, but why do you try and take away from my happiness? I try my best to do what I can for other people. And every time I have to constantly tell myself that I can't please everyone...and I, for one, know that statement is true. Sometimes i wish I could please, help, and cheer up everyone, but it's not possible for me. No matter how many times I've tried, I've failed.
I'm at a crossroad. I don't know which road, or path to take. I don't know where to begin either. I need help, but I don't know who to look after for it. People that I thought could help me out the most are slowly letting me down. They may not realize it, but they are hurting me. Some are getting angry, some are just flat out not caring, and some just don't want to be involved. That's fine, I understand, but please don't completely let me go! I'm just trying to figure out what to do with my life.
My insecurity is taking over me too. I've always had problems with it, but it's never been this bad. I just feel like I'm not good enough...A LOT. I don't feel pretty enough, worthy enough, or even proud enough of myself. I know it's a lie, but nobody has proved that to me. JDH does a good job of it, but I'm too hard-headed to accept that. He tells me I'm beauitful all of the time, but sometimes i just don't see it. I hope it doesn't ruin my relationship. I know if I don't break down and accept what he thinks of me, it can...but I don't know how to believe him when everytime I look in the mirror I don't see what he does. I know JDH is extremely trustworthy, and would never hurt me, but like every other girl, I feel like he is looking for interest in someone else. I feel like he deserves so much better and he tells me all of the time he doesn't. He's a very attractive guy, and is very well known through his town, but it seems like EVERY GIRL wants to be with him now that I'm with him. My biggest fear is him leaving me for someone else....a much prettier someone else. I'm not the jealous type, so I don't mind if he talks to girls and all of that...I just don't want it to go any further. If he says they're friends, okay, I believe they are friends...but I get a voice inside of my head that keeps telling me to be careful because a girl thinks he's extremely attractive. He also has a psycho ex. I dont believe she would ever hurt me, but I do believe she would do anything to get back with him and that scares me. She had her shot, and she blew it. Now it's my turn and I'm not going to ruin it. I really care about him and his family. She just tries to come into the picture ALL of the time. He doesn't give in everrrr...but it scares me to know she still wants in the picture.
Nonetheless, I'm just trying to get by. please just pray for my family. We're all at crossroads. I know that with whatever decision we make, we will survive, and everything will get better...it's just getting to that point of divinve happiness. My insecurity will die out as time goes on. It will make me stronger. I have one more year of softball, I will make the most of it. Every one that I've hurt, I'm sorry. Just please bare with me. I'll prove to you that I never left. For those who don't like seeing me happy, I'm sorry. I'm growing up and learning new stuff every day. I will succeed whether you want me to or not....whether you help me or not.

Baby, it's just YOU & ME

WOW. July has flown by so fast! Well, all of summer has flown by! I registered for classes yesterday, so it's almost time for me to start my 2nd semester of college!! AHH! But with school starting comes softball starting..UGH. I won't be able to walk for the next few months coming! I hope everyone has had a great summer so far. I know I have!

LOVE. Short word. Many definitions. Different feelings. But how do you begin describing it? I'm dating this guy. He makes me BEYOND happy. We can do absolutely nothing, but sit around and watch movies all day, and I can be totally satisfied with my day. But everyday I'm with him, it seems like the more and more I wanna grow close to him, learn more about him, teach him more about me. Is this love? Am I falling in love with this guy? I'm not the type to jump head first into things without looking at all of my options, but when I'm with him, I get this feeling of security, and those butterflies just start going. I can see myself falling in love with him, that's not the thing. I just wonder if all of these feelings coming out when I'm with him, could be love?

We don't argue, which is a plus. We usually agree on everything, and we mutually decide on things to do. He makes everything about me, and I make everything about him. So it's kinda even. We always get in those cute little fights about who misses who more, and we finally decided, 3 weeks into the relationship, that we miss each other the same. Haha. I always try to persuade him that I miss him more, even though everyone knows it's true ;), but he insists we miss each other the same. The one thing I like the most about him is that if I don't like something, he doesn't force me. He accepts it and fixs it. He's 22, so he drinks a little. I'm not the drinker type, so he doesn't force me to drink with him. I don't really like him drinking, and he accepts that. He likes to drink, and I accept that. He said he wouldn't ever get drunk around me, which I so greatly appreciate because I don't like drunks. All in all...he wants to make everything perfect. Yes, he's the guy who sends you the sweetest texts to wake up to, and the sweetest ones to fall asleep to.

I trust him. More than I have any other guy that I've ever dated. He's mature, and responsible. He just likes to have fun. I know that if we go somewhere together, or apart, I don't have to worry about him hooking up with someone else, or trying to get with someone else. We can be in the same room, him on one side, me on the other, doing our own things, but know that if we need anything, to find each other. I like that I can turn around, and see him looking and smiling at me :) :) cute I know!! He makes my life that much easier. When I went to the beach, it was hard being without him. Even though I knew he would be working and sleeping 90% of the time...I still worried about his psycho ex coming around and try and take him away from me...needless to say...we don't worry about her anymore ;) But he took time out of his sleep to call me at least once or twice during the day and assure me that he cared, missed me, and would be waiting on me to get home...sure enough he was. Within 5 minutes of me getting home, his truck was coming down my road.

Reguardless if this relationship is a summer romance, short relationship, or a forever love, I'm completely satisfied with him, and making the decision to call him mine. He has made my day since we first met, and seeing his face will always put butterflies in my stomach. I pray everyday for God to protect his mind, and give him strength when he feels the world has walked out on him. Our next adventure is to see where we will go with our relationship. It could be another week, or a whole year, but where ever it is...I'm content with this decision in my life [[07.03.10]]

"Before I met you, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."

--You look inside my wild mind never knowing what you'll find, and still you want me all the time--

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to really blog. I've been hanging with friends and family and I haven't done that in a really long time. So, now it's time for me to catch up on some things. Starting with the most important:

Welp, it's facebook official :) I'm no longer single. [[07.03.10]] And for once, I'm truly happy with that. Jamie has truly blessed me. He brings me to this little happy place that I haven't been to in a very long time. The smile on my face is real, and I can't wait for everyone to see it. :D I spent every day with him this weekend. All day for 3 days. By this time, I'm usually tired of hanging with the same person, but for some reason...I just can't grow tired of him. He thinks so highly of me, and sometimes I wonder why? He doesn't care about past mistakes, he doesn't care of past relationships. He cares about who I am today, and who I will be tomorrow. He leaves my past in my past, and expects me to only move forward, be better, but with him. It makes me feel incredible.

He told me today that I make him a different person...and it made me nervous. I asked him if it was good or bad. The good news is, it was a good different. Hearing him say that sent goose bumps down my spine. All along I've wanted to make something right with people, make people feel better about themselves, and make them happy....and I'm finally doing that. Or at least I hope so. He's a great person. He makes me feel better about myself. He makes me believe I'm beautiful even when I want to deny it. I want to feel this way forever.

He's been through a lot. And how he managed to be so strong, I have no idea. If I had ever gone through anything he did...I'd crumble. I would have given up. He didn't. And now...I look up to him. He's far from perfect, and so am I, but he's perfect to me...that's all that matter...right? He has completely changed me since day 1. It's a good change! I can honestly say I feel more confident in myself when he's around.

Am I scared of committment? Am I scared to let myself fall for a guy I've known for a month? What do I do? I know I shouldn't be scared, but I really don't want to mess this new relationship in my life up. I swear, it's perfect. Every moment I'm with him is the greatest moment of my life. He makes me feel like I've never felt before. I don't have to chase after him, watch his every move, or ever worry about not trusting him cause I know he'd never hurt me. And that's one of the greatest feelings ever. [We're perfect.]

I want to make him happy. I want him to make me happy. If our relationship lasts a week, I want to make it the best week of his life. Honestly, I can admit that I have never given my whole self to anyone. I've always held back. I was scared of losing something that was mine...again. It's different with Jamie. Sure, we didn't meet exactly picture perfect, but everything now is perfect. I hope it stays this way for awhile. I honestly can't imagine myself without him.

Nobody is going to take him away from me. I'm not going down without a fight. We're two completely different people, with two completely different personalities who are pushing forward together. Ruin it? I dare you. I know he cares about me, and he knows I care about him.

My two little cousins from Florida are in town. Caitie comes up here two or three times a year, but I don't get to see Haley often. They both have been through a lot. I wish I could take their pain away from them. I wish I could make them happier. I wish I was as strong as them to face the day. I've been trying to hang out with them while they've been here, but I've been busy with class and everything. Please pray for them. I know their hurting, and I wish I could take it away from them. I know they'll succeed. I pray they do in every way possible!

I've got to stop living in the world and for the world. I need to be different. I want to be different. I want people to see positive in me, and look up to me. I want to make them proud. Working hard is my daily goal, but slacking is my worst enemy. Like I said earlier, I'm scared of messing up. I want to make everyone proud, and I hope I light something in them to ignite their potential to press on and be happy, and do their best. I love watching people succeed. I hope they can watch me. If you believe in your heart that you're strong enough to make it, accept things that don't make sense, and strive to be better, you have accomplished everything. And that...I believe...is one successful life.

--You've Cast My Sin As Far As The East Is From The West--

Wow. It's been a couple of days. I've been soooo busy. My birthday was Saturday so I have had a lot going on!! I met Carrie Underwood! She's absolutely wonderful! My dad got me, my best friend, my sister, and her best friend tickets to the concert!!! BY FAR THE BEST CONCERT EVERRR. Thank you daddy! I had a wonderful birthdayy all together. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes!

So have you ever just sat down, and realized how wonderful God is? Well, if you haven't, now is the time to do it. He rescued me tonight. He picked me up in His arms and just held me as I cried! It was beautiful. He ripped out every soul tie, and root planted in my soul from Day 1. I have never felt so free. I haven't been the person I've made myself out to be. I'm apologizing now for all of the people who I've disappointed in the past. I'm here [right now] to tell you that I've changed, and only for the better. For any of you guys who have never had a Holy Ghost experience, you're missing out. I thought there was NO way God could love me after all of the mistakes I've made, but He did. That's the exact reason why He died on the cross. He knew my mistakes before I even made them. He say the family tree inside of my soul that was slowly, yet rapidly, growing, and commanded it to come down. And it did. It's gone. I no longer live based on an addiction, or a lie. I'M BEAUTIFUL TO MY GOD, and He is all who matters. All of the rest, you're just an opinion.

I never realized how much one thing can take a huge toll on your life. One small incident from when I was 11 could have such a huge impact on what I believe, and what I've done. This one lady that I've known my whole life, she saw my mistakes in a vision before she even talked to me!!! She said that when you speak life and plant seeds in someone's life, you become a part of them. You see their hurts, their mistakes, and their future all in a vision. Everything she spoke over me was true and it was one of the greatest feelings ever! It was one of the times when I thought I was alone, but she understood completely!!

I took a step of faith tonight. I just recently made the worship [hoorayyyyy] at my church for the youth group :) well, I want to be the best that I can be, leader and person wise. So I took a bigggg step out of my comfort zone. I gave my testimony to the church. I told my DARKEST secret. One that nobody knew but a few closest friends. Well, I was delivered. MAJORLY. I've never been so happy, and satisfied with my life until tonight. This great couple from Georgia came, and the man, named Heith, spoke. He gave his testimony. He came unprepared to speak, but I'm so glad he did! He moved me! Well, they opened up the alter for anyone who wanted to confess something. Once you confess your sins upon the Lord, you are cleansed. Well, we had SEVERAL youth get up and confess things such as lust, drugs, cigarettes, and all kinds of stuff. Well, as they kept talking, my heart began pounding. It was almost like vomit about to come out of me. We went and prayed and then I stayed up there and begin speaking. Words just started pouring out of me. I apologized to people, and I explained my hurts. And then I was set free. I felt a ripping in my soul, and then all of a sudden I was free. No more bondage. No more ties to people that I don't want to be a part of my life. Tomorrow, my very favorite adult is coming to help rid stuff from my room, car, everything...that reminds me of the people I was once held captive of. I wish I could explain to you the way this "free" feeling is I'm experiencing. It's by far the greatest!!! I'm saying right now, that I'm going to be different. I'm going to make better decisions and I'm just going to be an overall better person. No more messing around. It's time to get serious.

"For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Behold the proud, is sould is not upright in him; but the just shall live by faith." --Habakkuk 2:3-4

Selfishness--never overtake me again.

So, I was going to wait awhile to write. I didn't have a bad day, and I wasn't pondering on anything. It was a good day. Then...my best friend had an accident. A TERRIBLE accident. Flipped her car 10 times, flipped over a lane, across a median, 2 more lanes, down an enbankment, and landed in the woods. She boldy walks out of the hospital with one bandaid and a sling. If that wasn't God, I don't know what is.

Her accident made me realize something. I'M [SELFISH]. All I could think about today was how jealous I was that 1) she had a perfect boyfriend 2) he was getting all over her attention and 3) i hadn't seen her in whoa...exactly one week today. Ya'll think "oh my gosh" but this girl is everything. She's my best friend. I know last blog I complained because I didn't have someone like that, but that's where my wake up call came in. I HAD HER ALL ALONG. My best friend would do anything for me, and I didn't even acknowledge that. She had to go through an accident for me to realize.."Heyyyy. SHE'S ALIVE. SHE IS BREATHING, WALKING, TALKING, AND LOVING! She didn't have to have emergency surgery, stitches, or anything. Just a bandaid!" And she STILL would die for you." I used to get so mad because her boyfriend consumed ALL of her time. And I felt second best. That's not true at all. It doesn't matter who she hangs out with, or what she does. She cares about me, and that's good enough for me. How could I be so selfish, and sit there and think nobody cared? A lot of people do, whether I realize it or not. I may not be the prettiest girl, the skinniest girl, or the best person in the world, but I'm okay with that. I have one of the greatest friends in the world, who loves and cares about me, and I'm satisfied. So here's a challenge for myself, and to anyone who comes across this blog. THANK SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT TODAY. Whether it's for putting up with your problems, or just being an overall AMAZING person. DO IT. Just a simple thank you. It will help you feel a little better about yourself, and God knows it'll make their day better!--“A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.”

To Be, or Not to Be

So, here goes my first blog. I don't usually open up to stuff like this, but I deserve to express my feelings just like everyone else. So I've decided to change my comfort zone, and open up. I'm calling this little section "To Be, or Not to Be" because I've been thinking about a lot of things a long this line. I'm in school, I play softball, and I live a typical teenage life. But why? Why am I doing the things I'm doing? What's this "purpose" every one is speaking of in my life? Yes, I know God has hand picked me for something AMAZINGG, but what do I do til then? I don't do things of this world. I don't drink, or smoke, and all of that stuff. So all I'm doing is chilling. Am I wasting time? What do I do? Do I sit, and let life pass me by? Do I interveigne with people, and introduce my life? I want to do the right thing. I want to be the better person, but where do I begin?

Why on earth do I think about stupid things LIKE THIS? I should be out with my friends having a good time, and making a better life for myself, but I don't trust myself. I don't trust who I am. I don't trust anyone to be honest. Yes, I have my small share of people who I can open up to, but are they willing to lay themselves out on the line just as I would do for them? I see people who have their best friend who they have been friends with for[EVER]. The one person they trust with their LIFE, who know everything about them, who surround their lives around each other. I want a person like that. I want to be the person someone depends on. For once, I want to make someone happy by just being in the same room as them. I want someone to prove to me that there's something out there worth fighting for, and if I go down, they won't leave me out to dry and go with me! I guess, the truth is, I want to be loved...by some one. When people read this, everyone's going to be like, "Oh Melissa, I love you!" and blah blah blah. I know this. I know you love me, and I love you as well, but I want to be in-love, but most importantly, to be loved. I want to be in love with the RIGHT person...my God-appointed person. I want to be the person he thinks about when he wakes up thinking about and I want to be the person dancing to a beautiful melody in his dreams. Am I a little over my head? Is this feeling real? Is it possible to be wanted so much? I've had my share of heartbreaks or tortures, and they've made me stronger, yes, but I am tired of the immature feeling it leaves me with. They did it to try and belittle me, to try and to take away my pride. But I went through the whole thing with them. And at the end, I wanted them to know that I was okay, even though I was hurting on the inside. I wanted them to know they DIDN'T win, but I did. GROW UP. I want something to be for real...just ONCE. One time, I want someone to prove to me that they need me, too.